I have a specific definition of networking that I refer to when I focus on helping others grow their own skills: Networking is the process of building ongoing mutually beneficial relationships for employment, business, and professional development (and making friends).

That definition is succinct, but those 19 words hide some complex concepts. And those concepts comprise both the art and the science of connecting with people. It is also notable what those concepts do not include: namely, there is no reference to selling to, convincing of, or using people. Of course I do not mean you cannot sell to your network, just be clear that networking and selling are different processes. If you sell to your network without first properly connecting with your network, you will damage your relationships with your network.

I often focus my discussion on the science or techniques of networking. Here I want to clarify some of the art of connecting with people. I could simply suggest you reread Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People, and that really is not a bad idea. Also, there is a wonderful summary here: https://dansilvestre.com/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/ and growing your skills at being sincerely interested in other people will get you most of the way toward connecting with them.

But there is at least one other aspect to the art of connecting. It is well articulated in Donald Miller’s book Building a Story Brand: remember that everyone wants to be the hero of their own story. Connect with them on the basis of where they are in their story. The book is about sharing your message in a form that clearly connects you and your product or service as a guide helping your customer achieve the goal they desire. The concept of presenting yourself as a guide along a hero’s journey can be an incredibly powerful way to connect.

Of course, you still need to be clear about who you’d like to be introduced to, how you’d like to be introduced to them, who you solve problems for, and what problems you solve for them. You need to be able to express that information quickly. If you focus on the other two ideas 80% of the time and on the marketing aspect 20% of the time, you will get the referrals you are looking for. As Kody Bateman explains in his book The Power of Human Connection: you should not need to ask for referrals, but you do have to deserve them.