Over the holidays, you will see people who have cared deeply about you your whole life, people you are meeting for the first time, and people in-between. The wonderful end-of-year holidays are all about sharing loving feelings and experiences with our favorite people.
“Our first principle for networking is build relationships - share experiences with others so we make memories to build upon. ”
Many of those people will ask you how you are doing and what you do. They want to be connected with you. But some of those people may say things that are so discouraging they take your breath away. They may express doubt or outright certainty that you are doomed to failure in your employment. It’s unhealthy to take on worries that are unfounded, do not make sense, or deplete our energy.
As we are coming out of the pandemic, internal reserves may still be low, and some people are despondent. If you are seeing fewer people this year, they may be mostly family – people with the closest ties to you. If they are getting more worried, some things they say may be discouraging.
Families and friends who are interested in you and your goals may say:
- Tell me how things are going.
- What’s new in your world?
- How’s business? What are the trends you’re finding?
- What’s happening in your job search? What roles are you finding? How are hiring authorities receiving you?
But some people’s concern overrides their interest.
They say things like:
- You’re never going to get a job! No one hires people over 50 anymore! You’d better take whatever you can get.
- (To a business owner) How are you holding up? How much longer can you last?
- The economy is terrible! You’ll never get hired, or if you do, you’ll be let go again soon.
- What happened? What did you do to lose your job? Why didn’t you tell me?
- Or, rant about employers and how unfair and greedy they all are, that leaves you breathless.
What’s Going On?
There are, broadly speaking, two categories of reasons for their worries :
1. They are concerned about you. They hear bad things about the market and economy, and they are concerned you are having too difficult a time. They feel unable to help, can’t think of a thing to say that’s nice amid all that terrible news, and they want to stand on your side.
2. They have their own anxiety. All they see and read about is bad things happening. Of course they’re frightened! They want you to reassure them.
Our second principle is: we stand in our strengths, and do not take on anything that is damaging to our prospects, including our self-esteem.
In the spirit of the season of reflection, you can bring a more upbeat picture into view. Here are steps you can take to turn the conversation around to make it encouraging - even if it’s with Great Aunt Matilda who has always been exhaustingly negative, even in the best of times.
3-Step Formula for Responding to Anxious Comments
Here’s how you can communicate that things are ok:
Acknowledge how much they mean to you, and that you appreciate their care for you.
Share positive info.
Offer them ways they can help.
Acknowledge how much they mean to you.
Acknowledge belonging. You share the same family or group. This might just be a statement of fact, i.e., how long you’ve known them, if it’s too hard to drum up affection. They are anxious, and you know how that feels.
a. Express empathy. To help things along, we can acknowledge their anxiety. Not that you don’t deserve yours, but you’re more knowledgeable on this point.
b. You can say something like, “I can see that you are worried about me/us, and I appreciate it. It’s understandable given all the press. Yet there is a lot more to the story.”
Give information that will reassure them.
You have a game plan that addresses all the obstacles.
Have information ready that is reassuring. (After the list are suggested talking points.)
a. Info about your industry, market for professionals at your level, and how hiring processes work, IRL.
b. Info about what others say about you that affirms your worth and value in the marketplace.
c. Info you have learned from your coaches who are well-placed and knowledgeable, and you are following their guidance.
a. Things are not as bad as people think. You are in the market every day and you know that jobs are opening up. The unemployment rate in October 2022 for management, professional, and related occupations was 2.0%. The vast majority of professionals, 85% or more, obtain new positions through networking, so the number of jobs that they can see posted is irrelevant. And jobs are often created when an employer meets someone who can immediately help the organization.
b. In case you’re tempted, do not worry that your value has evaporated! It didn’t. If significant people, including family members, do not acknowledge your value, you especially need to stand with the evidence you receive in the larger community that verifies your worth. You have received a lot of feedback from interviewing, networking, clients, former bosses and colleagues, and people who know you. Read your resume and product benefits. Your accomplished work is meaningful to many, many people, including those you will work with in the future.
If you have a business, your clients are happy with your standards and are looking forward to doing business with you again. Plus, they recommend you to others because of your strengths. When the time is right, your business will pick up. You are networking to keep your name and reputation at the forefront of people’s minds.
Your conviction and positive outlook help make your point. (You can use power poses if you need to.)
c. You have coaches, business group leaders and experienced others who are knowledgeable and guiding you in best practices. You can say,
I’m in a couple of networking groups/have outplacement/etc.
These groups study the job market and are in the know, have the most recent evidence and info about how to get a good job and,
I know I am needed.
Other people around you have affirmed you are needed and qualified. If you have a job search activity tracking log, you will be able to cite examples of your activities, too.
Offer them ways to help.
Your worried friend, brother, and Great Aunt Matilda can all help. They want to help because you are precious to them, and they just don’t know how they can help. They don’t like feeling powerless. You can reassure them and get help at the same time. Here’s how.
They can help by
Reassuring you from time to time that they know and remember how terrific you are. It’s great when they share examples of both what they see, as well as what they remember of your strengths and accomplishments from past accomplishments.
Acknowledging from time to time what they are seeing - that you are working hard on your search and that surely someone is going to hire you - or buy your products or services soon.
Promoting your availability for serving customers or joining potential employers. They may need help to be ready. They may need to a) know a bit more about what you do, b) learn a few trigger lines[1] that would indicate that you are a person who can help someone they are talking to c) think about whom they already know (or if they hear of someone) you can talk with who shares your interests, and d) refer you to those persons. (Give them a few business cards.)
Give them encouragement back! They are supporting you. It’s great to know you are friends/relatives, etc. because they have your back and that just plain feels good.
The Importance of Encouragement
Your enthusiasm and energy are what the work/job/business magnet is attracting. One thing that is going on underneath all the negativity is the habit of mostly seeing negative things happening. People have been inundated with experiences which are formed from negative thinking. It’s not your job to make things seem right. It’s your job to protect your standing, your place in the community, from being harmed by negative people around you who drain your internal reserves. A couple more comments may give you something to say to help your case for positivity.
You can tell people bad is stronger than good and that’s why they remember the bad news…
It’s just the way our brains are wired for safety. Then you can remind them that two things are working in your favor: the unemployment rate for professionals is low, 2% right now, AND jobs for professionals are created more than they are posted online. This is really good because the proven strategy for finding work is networking. People who need the work you do will find you through all the people who know you.
But bad is not more REAL than good!
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/46608952_Bad_Is_Stronger_than_Good
Ageism is a topic a worried person will likely bring up.
Yes, ageism, racism, sexism and all kinds of other -isms exist and are terrible. And they might keep you from getting a particular job, but they don’t keep you from getting a job. You already know the trick is to be in relationships so others who know, like and trust you recommend you to customers or hiring authorities as opportunities appear. This gets past any stereotypes hiring authorities might have.
We do not know what is going on behind the scenes.
This is the part that is most frustrating! And most encouraging! As tempting as it is to think that what we see is all there is, the truth is jobs are being created All. The. Time. Employers frequently ask their staff and colleagues, “Who do you know who’s good,” because they want the reassurance from someone they know and trust. Some employers even offer referral incentives.
We think it’s in your best interests to tell people about how the market actually is working, so a) you and they don’t worry so much, and b) so you both stay encouraged and keep ears and eyes open for opportunities. Networking is how professionals get business.
The Magnet Is Working
As a reminder: don’t forget to smile. Your enthusiasm is the greatest advantage that you have! It attracts people to you. Some of them will be excited to be helpful to the great person they are referring to you! And who knows? Maybe Great Aunt Matilda will be the one to make the referral!
[1] Trigger lines are what people say over and over when they need someone like you. The lines almost always start with, “Oh my God!” If your friendly person knows what one or two lines to listen for, they can try to connect you with the person who said it. Your friend won’t have to understand all the ins and outs of your work. Here are some examples:
“Oh my God, if we could just ___________!” Fill in the blank with
- Get our systems up and running!
- Get our employee handbooks updated!
- Raise $1M!