Let’s Look at a Late-30’s Man’s Transition

The timing of your nephew’s changes is interesting. The best age for changing jobs is 35. That’s when a person has good experience, can contribute from day 1, is not too expensive, and still has time and ability for learning in the new organization. Up till that age, older people pretty much help younger people. But on our 36th birthday we wake up no longer young and cute and we have to make more of our own way in the job. It may even be expected that we will start helping younger people.

Your nephew’s sudden resignation from his job must have shocked the family. Yet, we’ve been seeing a lot of 30-something men choosing to leave jobs. And, like your nephew, they typically do not know what they want to do instead, but often do the one thing they know to do: get out of the job that has too many problems.

First, you mentioned that your nephew is unsure of himself. This often happens when a son does not receive what I call The Blessing of the Father. Here is a link to a blog post I wrote at least a year ago.  My thinking is more developed now, but this is a good start on the theory of The Blessing of the Father. https://www.healingthetiesthatbindyou.com/new-blog/2024/3/25/the-blessing-of-the-father 

The main idea I’m working with now is that the Father tells us that we are worthy of all the good things that are due “this house,” like House of Windsor, This Family. The father in effect says, “This one brings honor on our House.” It’s archaic, but I’ve seen this play out for decades with men who have trouble getting a new job. (The Blessing of the Mother is that you belong in this family and are worthy to belong in it. She prepares the little one for moving out into the world – which in our culture is around kindergarten).

For boys, these Blessings play out in two ways: 1, young men need to know they can make their way in the world, and 2, their father is proud of them in their way of making their way in the world. For girls it’s that her father will act to protect her, including protect her right to pursue her chosen profession. But the blessings are expressed slightly differently. For non-binary and trans kids, it’s that the father is on their side, or holds both viewpoint blessings for them. (Like I said, it’s older than the hills, and it’s in us.)

Since your nephew is unsure of himself, and since his father has passed away, we can guess he did not fully receive his Father’s Blessing. If there is a man who was very close alongside his father – the father’s own brother or his best life-long friend - that man can tell your nephew that he remembers how and why he knows his father was proud of him. The man can also say that he is proud. It’s best if it’s someone really close to dad, at the time his son was born, who has known them your nephew’s whole life. It’s really good if they can stand close together so your nephew can feel the man’s emotions. And it must be the truth.[1]

Anything you remember that his father mentioned about his pride in his son, you could repeat to him, too. It has to be true. Your nephew will know if it’s not. If you have this type of memory, try to speak with your voice coming up from the floor – Not deep notes, necessarily, but the energy coming up through you. That feeling is what your nephew seems to be missing, why he feels uncertain about himself.[2]

It's really nice that the family wants to chip in to help him now that he is unemployed, but this is tricky. The most important thing is for the family to act consistently like they are certain he can make his way in the world, just like his father was certain. If they bail him out too much, no matter how often they say they have faith in him, he will get the message that he’s failing.  It is true that the message that is sent is not always the message that is received.

However, an option is to ask him if he has a plan, or would he like to talk with someone about a transition plan. Family could help financially somewhat, but it’s important to not help all the way. And I prefer this to be part of a plan that your nephew can see two things: he is making his way in the world, and he belongs to a family that is loving and caring (good things coming into This House).

You mentioned you would like to contribute to him in some way. An option you may want to consider is to help him afford networking. This could be paired with a goal, say 2 in-person appointments a week – coffee, breakfast, or lunch, say. I would keep the amount of money and goal numbers low, like $20/week to start with. As he has the meetings, which I hope he’ll tell you a bit about, you can show you are proud of him, that it’s not easy to meet strangers over and over, until you get the hang of it.

(Also, it’s good if he touches back with people – all the good relationship building skills that you are so good at. But let the networkers coach him – you just be proud of this part. He has to make his way in the world.) Mostly, I wouldn’t want him to not network because he can’t afford it. He does not have to pay for the people he meets with.[3]

A strategy for your nephew to give himself time to make the changes he is seeking (and those that are seeking him) is to get a part time, in-person job.  This is so he has to get up, shower and go to work every day. The idea is to keep subsistence income coming in, but leave time for career change, as well as grieving.  Third, it will be encouraging for him to engage with other people regularly. And he will feel his competence, and/or remember why he went to college. And it would be really good for his mom to not deplete her resources.

Ohio Means Jobs is a useful resource for finding work and/or career opportunities. They can even help your nephew get training. They will have part time and temp work for him, too, since he’s not on unemployment.

There are good job search support groups around. He can look for them when he is ready. They’re mostly online. But right now, I think he needs in-person, friendly conversations, to feel that the world is benign (safe and friendly), interested in him, and helpful, more than he needs to answer the question, What are you going to do next?

Circling back to the beginning, the work of a job search will be harder and longer if your nephew doesn’t have a strongly clear knowing that he is worthy to reside, to belong in and receive the benefits of, his father’s house. I never thought I would come around to this way of thinking. I do not mean that women are so delicate that they always need protecting and sheltering, or that men should be hunter-gatherers hacking their way through the jungle. We live in modern times. But these ancient patterns do make themselves known from time to time. The are mighty and will not be denied both in the obstacles they throw up, and the doors they throw open.

Thank you for trusting me with someone so precious to you,

[1] If the father was a complete jerk, then a grandfather or ancestor may be worthy. But the best thing is to find something worthy, honorable in the father.

[2] I know this stuff sounds crazy. It’s taken me decades to be willing to speak it. But I’ve seen this dynamic over and over and the last couple years this pattern has been especially prominent in this age group of men.

[3] Timothy, you and these readers have heard me say this a thousand times, but it bears repeating here: You do not need a job. You need relationships through which job offers can come. In this case, your nephew first needs relationships in which he sees himself as worthy of receivng the Blessing of his Father. Then the barrier will be removed so he can receive the job a terrific employer is offering him.

Responding to an Emailed Referral Message

Might you have heard from Dave Smith yet?

I thought I had a blog post about this, but I can’t find it, so maybe it’s still in DRAFT. What I’d like to say is, often in these types of email introductions, there is an assumption that the person in transition and the person making the introduction have already talked about it. The assumption goes that you want to meet the person you’re referred to. So – this is a fine point – it’s tradition for the candidate to respond to the referral first.  Nothing bad happens if they respond to you first, but it indicates your interest in finding out more about the subject of the introduction. 

Since this is in email and I’m not sure how clear I’m writing, what I suggest is that you go ahead and contact Dave.  The procedure is to Reply All, thank the referrer, say you’re looking forward to connecting. Then when the second person responds, you drop the referrer off the email thread to go ahead and make your plans.  Make sense?

Hope this helps,

Whew! It's Memorial Day!

Greetings Friends,

Our weekly to-do list deserves special recognition. It’s not easy to make a good transition. Here is what you’re all doing (😉):

-          Three posts on Linked in each week so that you stay visible

-          Posting on other social media if it helps you be visible.

-          Reaching out to connect with new people, as well as people you connected with before to stay in touch

-          Keeping track of your time

-          Responding to interest from others or ideas/openings you get from some type of media

-          Repeating what you want to as many people as you can. (Our big secret is to tell pretty much everyone what you are seeking.)

-          Asking your mother to pray for you and keeping her posted on how her prayers are showing results

-          Staying healthy or taking care of health concerns

-          Taking care of and making repairs to everything under your roof, including where you keep your car

-          Attending to significant relationships with whom you are building the future

-          Making arrangements and attending social engagements out in the community

-          Following any inner guidance you have to find out about family members, or your family history

-          Reducing resentments

-          Walking in straight lines to the same spot every day and tagging it. Twice is better than once. This is internal programming.

-          Reviewing your finances, sending gratitude to those who send you money. (We don’t talk about this one much, but it’s helpful practice: Thankyou bank for depositing interest; Thank you Walmart for the refund; thank you universe for the quarter I found on the sidewalk…)

-          Looking for leads and connections that you’d like to ask others to connect you to

-          Reviewing what you learn through networking and revising your pitch, resume, cover letter, LI profile, all the times you use words to tell people what you are looking for

-          Offering ideas, empathy, suggestions and actions to others, especially job seekers, but mainly being beneficial to the wider community

-          Attending networking events and meetings where you talk and get to know people.  This may or may not be career/work related.

-          Asking for help, because all of the above is time-consuming and tiring

 No wonder you’re tired! 

Have a great weekend off, and I’ll see you back strong as ever next week!

Sue

When You Have "Too Many" Potentials

Emilie Wapnick's TED Talk showed up in my LinkedIn feed this morning which got me thinking. You can watch it here: http://t.ted.com/OA75VLx

I love this, too! Many people develop their multiple talents. We run into this all the time. Talk to professionals and you'll find out they are also birders or musicians. A General Manager also owns and works in a family business and write a blog for a third type of business. Writers frequently have multiple professions. We even have an assessment score that says a person "likes to write or thinks like a writer," i.e., uses the logic of a writer in their work regardless of what their profession is.

What I've noticed is that striving for excellence in one area seems to go with excellence in another. I think the art of any practice is enhanced through thinking and caring deeply about multiple subjects.

The research by scientists who are artists definitely benefits from visualizing and making art. And their art is definitely better from practicing observation in science.

Multipotentialites express ideas from more ways of knowing. The question, "What do you want to be when you grow up" is rarely answered with multi-facets because the real intent of the question is to find out How you want to earn your living. A single answer is anticipated with maybe one additional one allowed.

What if we asked instead, Who are you? What do you love to do with friends? How can I help you keep doing these things? or, Can I be your friend?

Your Fortune Is In Your Follow-Up

“The fortune is in the follow-up.” If you are in sales or have studied sales at all, you may have heard that phrase, and it is true. In networking, as in sales, follow-up is crucial because it is a key to remaining top-of-mind with those in your network. Who you follow-up with, how you do this, and when to follow-up are important things to consider in your networking process because as your network grows, you can become overwhelmed by the options. Certain modes and methods are better suited to particular groups of people in your network, and thinking about how you will continue to engage with those specific groups will help you create systems to efficiently cultivate your network.

Even if you know that you should follow-up with your network, you may not know of the different types of follow-up, and you may not have considered different techniques of follow-up. In all of these cases, the primary reasons for the networking follow-up are the same: to grow your relationship and to remain of value to your network partner. This is different from sales follow-up where the primary purpose is to move a prospective buyer to the next step in a sales process, and this difference is important! If you mix the messages, you can confuse (or possibly offend) your networking partner.

Here I am going to suggest several different types of networking follow-up communications. And while this list is not exhaustive, it will help clarify your thoughts on connecting with your network. In a later note I’ll suggest various methods to implement these types.

The Check-In Follow-Up

The most basic follow-up is what I’m calling the “check-in”, as in “I’ve not heard from you in a while, I’m just checking-in to see how you are doing.” This is done to show you were thinking of someone, or perhaps another person asked you if you’d talked to this person recently. It may be that the partner offers a product or service you need now, and it’s been a while since you’d learned about it so you don’t even know if they are still in that business. The check-in is usually not expected by the partner, but you will find that most people enjoy receiving them.

The Check-Up Follow-Up

This is the post-interaction touch-base contact. It could be post-sale follow-up, but it also could be testing to make sure an email you sent was read or useful, or to see if the results of a suggestion you offered were as helpful as you hoped. Usually you have an additional goal with this follow-up: you want to get some feedback on their experience to correct your service, process, or product. If you prepare the partner for this check-up you are more likely to get the information you desire, so set the expectation of this follow-up during the prior interaction. Ask something like “is it okay if I follow-up with you next week about this?”

The Check-Back Follow-Up

In some ways, the check-back is the reverse of the check-up. Post-interaction, you contact the person who helped you to keep them apprised of the situation. Letting them know that your search continues, or that you solved the problem, or that you reached the person they suggested you call completes a task in the partner’s mind. They are more likely to give you more help in the future when they know the results of the help they gave you. This sort of follow-up requires diligence on your part. For most of us, once advice or help is received, we forget to give feedback to the giver. This is a mistake.

The Check-Out Follow-Up

One of the most powerful ways to build and maintain relationships is to continually offer items of value to the partner. The check-out follow-up is the process of sharing items of interest - “here, check this out...” or “I saw this and thought you’d like to know…” It reinforces the fact that you care (you took the time to send the follow-up), you pay attention (you found something you believe would add value to your partner), and that you value the relationship (you did this unprompted and not expecting anything in return). As you explore the world with “networking eyes and ears” you will learn of the interests, hobbies, and needs of others. You will also encounter resources that while they have little or no value to you could offer great value to others in your network. Share that information in a proper check-out follow-up and see what happens.

The Check-Off Follow-Up

People’s lives change. Perhaps they are no longer in a position to have the bandwidth to communicate the way you want them to. The check-off is the simple and kind way to respect the relationship and keep it available but on-hold for now. Just ask something like “I’ve not heard from you in a while, I respect you and I don’t want to be a pest… if you want me to stop trying to contact you, please let me know and I’ll stop.” The door is always open to continue the conversation, but now is not the time. Alternatively, the check-off could request a possible future date to continue the additional follow-up (something like “I’ll check back in 6 months to see how you are doing…).

The Thank You Follow Up

Staying top of mind with your network by appreciating them is the best form of follow-up. I highly recommend a short book on this topic: Appreciation Marketing by Tommy Wyatt and Curtis Lewsey. Properly appreciating your network partners is the surest way to encourage them to generate more of the referrals you want. The key here is “properly” - proper appreciation is sincere, specific, timely, appropriately personal, and positive. It says “thank you” for something & ONLY EXPRESSES APPRECIATION. How many times have you received a form letter thanking you for your business? How many times have you received a note of thanks that ends with a plea for a sale or another referral? All the good feelings the sender intended are reduced by the mixed message.

 And now, thank YOU for reading!

-Jeff Hexter

How Candidates With Disabilities Can Develop a Political Campaign

Patrick Young writes blog posts for The Job Search Center about special topics in career development for professionals. His insights come from his experience as an educator and activist for persons with disabilities. You can find out more about him and his work at https://ableusa.info/.

PLEASE NOTE: Our Guest Blogger is providing a number of hot links to resources throughout this article. They are hard to see due to the way our platform formats this. Please move your cursor along the text so you can find the links that may interest you.

Orchestrating a political campaign is a big job. From creating a team to support your political goals to getting to and from events, you’ll need to be creative when running for office if you have a disability. But thanks to trailblazing politicians and community resources, you can make it happen. Check out these insights.

Develop Your Team

You likely have tons of great ideas about your political campaign and how you’ll spend your time in office. But before you can get there, you’ll need the support of a cohesive and dynamic team, simply because nobody has the time and energy to do it all. Even if your social network is small, there are ways you can grow your campaign team.

For example, you can hire someone to handle tasks like speech writing, social media posts, and more. If you’re new to politics in general, research will also be a significant part of your pre-campaign prep work. In that case, hiring a highly skilled freelance researcher to learn more about the opposition and research policy initiatives could prove invaluable.

If you lack manpower or funds for all the help you need, there is, as they say, an app for that. Software can fill in other holes; Tatango helps send texts for timely messaging to your constituency, and TrailBlazer can act as a digital campaign manager. When push comes to shove, electronics can help.  

Know Your Platform

Like many other individuals with disabilities, you have plenty of unique knowledge about the challenges people in your community face. Though Quartz notes voters with disabilities are an often-overlooked demographic, your campaign should go beyond inclusion. Use your unique perspective to create a platform that speaks to all people, including diverse communities and populations.

As an example, you might advocate for stronger accessibility on the web and talk about your own experiences. If you feel uncomfortable discussing the issue, taking some classes in information technology can boost your confidence and knowledge base. Plus it will impress voters with your dedication to the cause.

Be Sure to Network

Once you develop your team and start your campaign, the need for networking doesn’t end. After all, you can’t expect voters to recognize you or vote in your favor if they’ve never heard of you. Here are some networking methods:

Via social media pages specific to people with disabilities. Make sure to make your messages about connecting—not just about getting support for your campaign. Think of ways you can help others before contacting them and take time to get to know them, too.

By canvassing door-to-door. Many political campaigns rely on grassroots campaigning, Thoughtworks explains, which involves starting in your local community and working your way up. This type of campaigning often means walking around a neighborhood, speaking with voters, and handing out fliers.

Through professional connections. Talking politics with your co-workers isn’t always fun. But when you’re passionate about a cause, spreading the word can garner support for your campaign.

Follow in the Footsteps of Politicians with Disabilities

While politicians with disabilities are a minority—only one in every 10 politicians—they do exist. Looking at how these politicians handled their campaigns and advertised their platforms can help you develop a political plan, too.

Past politicians have had disabilities such as epilepsy, blindness, combat injuries, and a long list of other conditions. One noteworthy example is Senator Tammy Duckworth, who sustained injuries in the Iraq War and is now a double-amputee and wheelchair user. Senator Duckworth has helped impact change in the form of policies to support veterans, families, and more.

Like Senator Duckworth, you can use personal experiences to inspire your platform and campaign. 

Spearheading a political campaign is challenging no matter who you are—or whether you have a disability. You’ll need the support of your team, your community, and donors to organize and implement a strong campaign. But with hard work and determination, there’s no reason you can’t go on to become a successful politician.

The Job Search Center is dedicated to helping you prosper; connect today for more tips and information that can help pave the way for your success!

Photos via Rawpixel, Pexels, and Adobe

Becoming VISIBLE to Your Network

I explained before that you need to be known, liked, and trusted as a networker before you can expect to get referrals. That takes some interpersonal communications skills, some effort, and some commitment. The good news is if you are reading this, you have already accomplished at least some of that.

There are still missing ingredients to getting the referrals you want. The first of these is becoming remembered when the opportunity to refer you presents itself - you need to be top-of-mind among your network. You become top of mind in at least two ways: by reminding your network, and by increasing your visibility within your network.

You get to remind your network each time you meet for your 1-2-1s, and each time you do your networking presentation. You increase your visibility when you give testimonials, when you give referrals, when you share your networking successes and knowledge, and when you take on leadership roles within your network. The common thread here is that your visibility grows when your network sees you consistently working for the benefit of others.

One reason I share these networking notes is that they give me greater visibility, but for me that is really secondary to the opportunity to focus on learning more about networking, hone my skills, and create something of value.

I’ll deal with the second missing ingredient in my next note, but I want you to consider this:

Your visibility is relative to other individuals in your network, not to the network itself.

To some networkers, you will just be barely visible, to others you will be highly visible. You will get the most benefit from your network when you are highly visible to your contact sphere and - if you are in one - to your power team (this is a topic I have not yet covered).  

KLT Is Not Enough

(There is more to getting referred than just being known, liked, and trusted

All things being equal, people prefer to do business with those they know, like, and trust. We all know this, but there is one other thing that needs to happen for people to make referrals to you: you need to be remembered when the opportunity to refer you presents itself.

The process of becoming the person who gets remembered is a topic for another note, and it is closely related to the process of becoming known, liked, and trusted, but it is not identical. And in any case, KLT must precede being remembered. We resist sharing our networks with people we do not KLT. Therefore, our skill at achieving KLT status will greatly improve our networking. 

To understand why this is required first, simply look at the opposite: no one would willingly refer business to someone they did not know, did not like, and did not trust, no matter how visible, credible, well-marketed, and remember-able others believed them to be.

So, how do you become the kind of networker who has achieved KLT status? It is, literally, the same way you become friends, and yes, I’ve explained this before: in your initial 1-2-1 conversations, hunt for areas of common interest and dwell on them. If you start there, and return there, you will become someone who is known and liked.

Trust is different. Trust requires confidence in your reliability, and therefore it requires proof. It can start small - just commit to a scheduled 1-2-1 and be there, on time, and ready. It will grow as you share stories about how you’ve helped others, and as others share stories about you. It will grow as you are asked for information and deliver it. 

At some point, through these interactions, you will shift from being someone who is just another networker, to being a friend. And then you can become the friend who is top-of-mind when someone needs what you offer.   

If meeting indoors makes you nervous, try “net-walking!”

Q&A: When to Apply When You Can’t Network In

Hi Sue,

I want to apply for a position I found at Heidegger’s Transparency Institute. It would be for a policy research role. When I went on LinkedIn to find people who work there, I found that a former colleague who I got along wonderfully with, is on the Board of Directors.

I sent her a nice message, explained how I found her, wished the family well and asked if she would be willing to get coffee and chat about non-profits and policy. Eek! I wanted to make the connection between us, the work and the job opening without saying all that. I am really hoping that this was all proper etiquette.

One question, is: The job has been posted a week. Do I wait to hear back/hopefully meet before applying? Or go ahead and submit?

Thanks to you and the Action Accountability Group for helping me be a risk taker!

Sally

 Hi Sally,

Thanks for your note. The nuances of managing job search and relationships take some thinking through to master them, just like you are doing.

Your approach to your former colleague is perfect and fills in the middle steps before asking if she knows of the opening, what they’re looking for, if she can advocate for you, etc. Please slow down about asking about the role. Sometimes there are other changes or information that is relevant to your desire to apply in the first place. Also, your friend can give you insight into how you might fit in there, or even other options unrelated to Heidegger that exist out in the community that may interest you.  As you may recall, the first practice we adopt in transition is expanding our seeing of opportunity and where we might fit in.

If you get to talk with her, you may find there is a search committee or recruitment firm who is leading the process and that is additional information for you to use for navigating. Depending on the guidelines of this particular organization, as a Board or even committee member she may not be in a position to talk about anything. I know you don’t want to put her in a difficult situation. The gentle approach you’ve adopted mitigates the risk of her having to shut down contact. 

Yes, it would be better to talk with her before you apply, which brings up the second part of your question: As far as how long you can you wait to apply –

Does the post say anything about when submissions need to be received?  If it’s a month, then you get to wait to see if you and your friend can connect. You could wait till the second last day, if you know it, to apply, to allow you time to see your friend.  I say second last because sometimes there are glitches in our timing or the system and that still would leave you a day to make changes, reload, etc.

Since this is a smaller organization, one option is to call and ask whomever answers the phone how long the position will be available. You would add that you are intending to apply within their window and would like to talk to someone you know about it so you can include more insight in your cover letter/application.  The idea is to convey your excitement along with seeking knowledge. 

When it’s a larger organization, you can try calling the hiring department or HR.

Since at this time it is just before the end-of-year holidays, we don’t know if the posting will be given a full month. If you are unable to find the date the job post is closing, I would apply by the last business day of the year.

It sounds like this could be a really good opportunity for you, using your favorite strengths. I can’t wait to hear what you find out and how the opportunity unfolds. So glad you’re pursuing it.

Hope this helps,

Sue Nelson

 P.S. To those who are reading this blog post:

This column and article fit into a much larger coaching philosophy and practice that we can’t address in these pages.  There are several blog posts tagged as coaching. Searching for that term will help you find other suggestions to help you in your transition. In the meantime, if you need assistance, or you’d like to know more about what coaching through The Job Search Center entails, please email me at Sue@TheJobSearchCenter.com  or call 216.395.7433.